Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i think i have two assholes
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
