You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
