bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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