The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Im part way to drunk.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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