I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
