fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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