i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
