You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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