i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
