So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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