I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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