I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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