and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
