Your mouth is God's brothel.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
