i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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