we have pet lesbian snakes
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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