Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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