Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
