Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
