Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
