my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
