i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
