Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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