In the future we'll all be gay
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
