i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
