I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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