I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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