Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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