Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
