What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
BRING THE BAGELS
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
