i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i drank out of a bidet.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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