fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i think my tv is drunk
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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