So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
