I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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