remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
