How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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