Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
