I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
