you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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