I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
