and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Watching her eat just hurts me
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
