i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
pop tarts are not kleenex
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
