i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
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