I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
