just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
