How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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