It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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