The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
