Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
