it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
