the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
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